And it feels like it couldn't get any worse, but it could.

This is why I have an inherent dislike and mistrust of people.

There is a growing sense from within - and it has been growing for years - that I am growing more emotional detached from people and that perhaps I need to go to an isolated, far flung corner of the world and seek spiritual enlightenment and be at peace with the world and become celibate and be able to let go of worldly desires.

However, accomplishing that would go against the very things that I believe I need to accomplish in this world.

And, I wish I could have phrased this more elegantly but I can't. I also wish I had the answers I need, or didn't require any at all. Although as it stands, this doesn't mean anything because even though I have been working to keep such affairs from occurring, shit still manages to happen which perplexes and aggrieves me all the more.

Also because I have worked so hard to protect myself, I don't feel quite as miserable as I should be. So what is left is this gnawing feeling, annoying and slowly eating up my insides. I need to be more miserable so as to indulge in it, but I am left with a lot of pent up aggression which cannot be directed anywhere in particular.

This is quite a self centred post. But, it feels good to be indulgent, however little it may be.

And man, I feel so impotent and that's the worst.