No Shit!?

No shit, asshole.

2012-01-27T21:05:00.001+08:00

In need of some quiet. And some direction in life.

I wish I had someone to turn to for some answers.

Well.

2012-01-19T22:00:00.001+08:00

Apparently I have an audience now.

Although it is very very meager.

KING OF THE WORLD!

2012-01-14T21:28:00.001+08:00

One day. Just you wait.

Surely, the time will come when I've lost enough of my mind that I will be able to live out my fantasies (in my head).

Fuck it.

2012-01-11T22:50:00.000+08:00

I'd rather be a wanker. This fucking sucks.

FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY: THE ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

2012-01-06T23:01:00.003+08:00

More funky freshness!

Let's give this a shot now:
https://twitter.com/#!/dociousaliexpil

MUST BE CHINESE.

2011-11-04T00:01:00.001+08:00

Racist Romance. =(

Fuck.

2011-09-22T00:11:00.002+08:00

Friends. What friends? I barely have enough time for real ones.

Friends.

2011-09-20T01:51:00.004+08:00

I don't need more friends. I need more time to be a better friend to the ones I already have.

< break >

Oh please, don't try to be my friend. Unless you know you're looking to be a real friend and not one of those like superficial people I couldn't give a fuck about say, three months down the road. Because goodness knows, I have friends that have been around for years and I'm treating them like rubbish now.

Heartpain.

2011-09-19T23:37:00.002+08:00

And seeing my parents celebrated so happily, well...

Man, I'm fucked. It seems that the older I get, the more socially awkward I become. Surprisingly, this is related to how much less of an asshole I've become. At this rate, I highly doubt that I will be able to live up to their expectations.

Which is to say, disappointing.

Life Goals.

2011-09-18T01:28:00.001+08:00

Make money, find partner, have kids, placate parents. Die happy.

Excess of money optional. Happiness is non-negotiable.

Oh wow.

2011-08-31T15:40:00.002+08:00

Look where we are now, six years on. Still in transit.

2011-08-09T22:53:00.002+08:00

Man, I haven't been in such a shit mood for such a very long time. Fuuuuuuuuck.

Damn.

2011-06-29T00:01:00.001+08:00

Now, stop with the standing around oozing sexiness. I'm serious. Stop it!

Weather forecast: Cloudy with the possibility of rain.

2011-06-08T00:10:00.003+08:00

And, I had expected my life to be much more awesome at this point.

But then, reality.

All you need is...

2011-05-01T03:39:00.002+08:00

I honestly think that I am incapable of returning affection. It is very worrying, and something that I am not at all pleased with.

It's fucking miserable, that's what it is.

Help!

2011-04-14T00:59:00.000+08:00

Find me something to care about! I am botth exhausted and poor and I think I will quite at least one job soon.

Come on baby light my fire.

2011-04-13T00:07:00.002+08:00

Shit has got to change soon. Because either ways, drastic shit is going to happen.

Also I can keeps teh new friends? Y/N

She had a devasting smile.

2011-04-10T21:33:00.000+08:00

And she knew how to use it.

Damn you, women. You shouldn't allowed to be so fascinating.

Hire me already damnit!

2011-04-05T21:58:00.001+08:00

On the prowl for a job. Will do almost anything for money.

Please contact me if you have some money for me. Thanks.

But you're green.

2011-03-28T23:10:00.002+08:00

And, I met this girl on Friday who is almost my complete opposite and she is amazing. Which is fantastic, because as cheesy as it sounds, it has been quite a while since I've been swept up in such awe of a person or object.

Ah, love. I nearly forgot how amazing you felt.

Aggroo

2011-03-26T17:18:00.003+08:00

Yea, so what are you going to start something? You're going to hit me or what? If not, shut the fuck up and get out of my face.

Honestly. If you're just going to make noise GTFO of my face. I have too little free time to waste it on you.

People.

2011-03-26T05:32:00.002+08:00

I mostly dislike most of 'em. But you have to admit, they're all so fucking interesting.

Huzzah!

2011-03-21T22:56:00.000+08:00

I have the awesomest parents in the world!

2011-03-14T02:39:00.002+08:00

I consider it an honour to be able to sit with these old fogeys, knock back a couple of beers and listen to them talk.

I mean, when you literally have been from all over the world who have been all over, it is nice to be able to sit as a peer in their company, and listen to them talk.

Such a plethora of experiences! I only fear that my life will never be as vivid as theirs [and it is a fear that I am afraid is rapidly seeming more likely].

♥

2011-03-11T23:38:00.003+08:00

You know, I've held on to a crush for five years.

Which would sound ridiculous if you didn't know me. I mean, I guess it would sound ridiculous even if you did, because people who know me, usually get to know the person who is very practical in his relationships with people.

But that's only because I usually don't care enough about people for them to matter. Caring about people and things, usually requires some sort of brilliance as well as a guarantee that I will not be disappointed; because I deal with disappointment very badly.

And well, the last time I discovered another individual that I felt strongly enough for was about five years ago. Well, I still feel the same five years on. However, nothing is ever going to come of that. Which is, depressing.

Oh, and so melodramatic.

The Best Song You Have Never Heard

2011-03-06T02:00:00.001+08:00

To a fault.

2011-03-02T22:34:00.001+08:00

I am a compulsive online stalker. I guess it could be construed as a fault. However, the interweb is the only place where these sort of pervy things can happen.

So... I guess it's not so bad?

Bookmark this!

2011-03-02T01:03:00.003+08:00

Taken from
"Stories"
by
Michael Moorcock
from the collection Stories,
compiled & edited by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio

I pointed out that journals are almost always misleading. We use them to record miseries, frustrations of the moment, anger we don't want to put into the air. We don't need them when we were content.

Heart it races.

2011-03-02T00:19:00.002+08:00

Hello aggressive girl. Your confidence is sexy. I like how you asked your colleague to come over and ask about me, then asked your other colleague to ask more about me and then finally came over to ask about me.

Hello. I think it is a bit crazy that you offered to wait up and drive me home. I mean, who the fuck does that? That's insane, but was also a great display of guts. If nothing, it was fucking sexy. I mean, there are far too many people who are emotionally damaged and needy-I, for one count myself among that number.

Unfortunately, why'd you have to come over and offer me your name and your number. It kinda killed what little romance there was in the first place. It's weird and it reeks slightly of being needy. I mean, a few hours ago I didn't even know you existed and already you are trying to make me care about you.

I don't.

Not enough to appreciate how much you're attempting to make me care about you.

Don't tell me your name. Don't offer to be intimate. Don't say you like me because there isn't anything to like, when you don't even know me.

Let's be pragmatic and attempt to cultivate a relationship. It needn't be exclusive, but we could possibly be the best of friends. Once you've discovered the icky disgusting bits that very little people know about and decide that it's something that you could live with, then act all weird and creepy. By that time, I wouldn't even care.

Thanks for the attention anyway. I'm pretty sure there will be so much more romance if we just got to know each other. Yes, that's also how I manage to keep all my friends despite being such a bad one.

Unless of course, what you're interested in is something more nasty. Then by all means, make your intent clear. I am pretty sure that I have pretty flexible morals. I mean, yea, what the hell eh?

Heh. heh. heh.

2011-02-28T23:05:00.001+08:00

It seems like the increased readership from last month's drama has become permanent.

Well, this should be interesting.

Body Image Issues

2011-02-28T01:50:00.001+08:00

Somehow I am both buffer and fatter in a full body shot than I remember. However, standing in front of a mirror, I feel both undersized and flabby.

Goodness. I have body image issues.

It could possibly relate to why I have an instant dislike to obviously fat people. Ugh. Fat people with all their rolls. Disgusting. Choosing to remain like that is even worse.

I see what you're doing, and I approve.

2011-02-26T16:28:00.002+08:00

Other possible headings:

Is that like, blatant flirting?
I see what you're doing, and I like it.
Shut up and kiss me already, woman!

More, later. Work beckons.

Is this it?

2011-02-22T20:58:00.002+08:00

It's been a crazy week. Have I mentioned that already? I don't know. I can't remember. It's been that kind of 17 days. And OH MY GOD I have been working 17 days with only one off day. I had my right leg - from above the knee all the way to the groin - rendered useless after the first BJJ class. Today, I'm feeling the effects of a badly bruised knee, as well as discovering random cuts all over my hands.

Also, I've been operating on a very, very short fuse.

It's crazy how quickly the better part of the month can pass you by. The horrible thing is, I feel empty when I'm not at work. It's a horrible sort of quiet that you get when you're lost, I guess. I hate the idea of being idle and not, you know, putting myself to good use. After all, one of my personal mottos is arbeit macht frei. Which is kind of sick, when you consider the reference, but then again there are too many oafs who are unproductive members of society. And that - even more than a poor Nazi reference, is something that should be frowned upon.

SEX. The past weeks have also brought about instances where, according to my manager at the bar, there was blatant flirting. I mean, of course, I had completely no clue as these things always sail right past my head. However, I was admonished as I failed to offer my personal contact details, deflecting her queries to official channels. Well you see, I usually complain to her about lack of SEX - when the conversations at these food & beverage establishments inevitably lead to SEX - about my lack thereof the previously mentioned, um, interactions.

Well. I almost never understand how these things work. However, I promised my manager that the next time if some asks for a number or wants contact details, I'll go "YOU CAN CALL ME AT 961**064 OR EMAIL ME AT IAMAHUMAN@GMAIL/HOTMAIL.COM OR YOU COULD JUST BOOK A ROOM AT THE FRONT DESK AND I'LL JOIN YOU IN 15 MINUTES."

Yea. Well, as if the work environment at these restaurants aren't sexually charged enough, this time around I'm working with them liberal European girls who are more about SEX than I am.

Random guests/customers/cute-enough-not-to-be-considered-average girls have told me to my face that I'm cute. Which in addition to being false, was unnecessary and uncalled for. Which made it all the more pleasurable when it did happen. I guess the next time that happens I really, really need to go, "YOU CAN CALL ME AT 961**064 OR EMAIL ME AT IAMAHUMAN@GMAIL/HOTMAIL.COM OR YOU COULD JUST BOOK A ROOM AT THE FRONT DESK AND I'LL JOIN YOU IN 15 MINUTES." or something to that effect.

Because, well. You know.

Because, YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN CELIBATE? What with living with guys 100 guys for the past two years, and these female co-workers who talk so dirty, and touch me inappropriately and all these impossibly rich and good looking women that I see every time I'm on shift.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FRUSTRATED I FEEL?

Hur hur. Perhaps, an overstatement. Or maybe not. Well, not really. Who knows?

Work, work, work, drink, sleep.

2011-02-18T00:20:00.003+08:00

And I need to fall desperately ill, soon. I think I've been over working myself and between not having any rest days and not enough sleep, I've been flirting with a mild flu/fever for the past two weeks, even as everyone else has succumbed to the flu.

As a result, I've been babysitting this annoying headache for far too long. As a result, when I am an office monkey, the headache ensures that I continually fuck up with typographical and punctuation errors. Which is horrible, because I should know better.

Also, my boss doesn't deserve having to put up with such basic errors in language.

At the bar, I am granted a mild reprieve as there are livelier conservations (usually dirty), the promise of hot skanky sexiness, as well as alcohol-which makes everything fuzzier and so much more tolerable. Additionally, there is the hostess whom I am extremely intimidated by, who attempted very clumsily to pinch my buttocks before fumbling and dropping the phone with a very audible CRASH(!).

Also, did I mention that there is good conversation to be had when I work in the restaurant? I mean, just last this Monday I had a theological debate with this girl who is applying to law school. A fucking debate on theology, post-valentine's day shift following post-valentine's day shift drinks. If any, that would have been a fucking insane time to talk about such things.

When was the last time you had a healthy debate that stimulated and excited your brain, much less one when mildly inebriated, after a gruelling shift. I know I've sorely missed having stimulating conversations.

And, by all that is good and pretty, they are fantastic!

I came to the conclusion that everything is meaningless because it is all temporary. I mean think about it. Everything dies, and there is absolutely no FUCKING CONTINUATION after death. Science says so, and so far science has been right more times then religion.

Thus, I have decided to attempt the pursuit of happiness. I am fervently hoping that before I die I will attain the Zen-Buddhist type of enlightenment and finally gain the ability to disavow material wants.

I cannot continue to be continually annoyed with the world. Especially when I run on a shorter fuse when I carry this headache around and fucking hell I am going to miss BJJ class on Saturday WTF WHY?

Fucking immune system. If only you were more frail. I need a good excuse to wallow in self pity and misery.

Yea, but

2011-02-16T23:02:00.002+08:00

Unfortunately, I keep myself very busy because if I weren't I would be absolutely lost, as to what to do with my time. Currently, I work two jobs for six, sometimes seven days a week and I haven't even factored in school, because I'm on break now.

And I never really gave it much thought until my colleagues raised the issue of how little free time I have. My standard response for when people want to go out and socialise has become to ask for a week's notice in advance, which is ridiculous.

I mean, what the fuck kind of person makes you ask for a week's notice so that we can hang out?

I should be thankful that there are still people who still try to get me to make time for them.

But yea. It's not good. I remember that I was extremely determined to be a more sociable creature post-NS but I think I'm reverting to the mad work-a-holic that I was pre-NS.

I will... Have to figure out a better system to fit in friends and optimise my free time, so I have just enough to recover from the crazy that is the world. Hopefully, people will stick around while this mess is sorted out.

I mean, the ones who really matter always have, and will still continue to...

Right?

-

2011-02-15T22:23:00.001+08:00

Prof. Tangney: Don't love someone who puts you on a pedestal because they will end up hating you.

Re-blogged from wunderbarcriedthebird.

A couple of things.

2011-02-12T01:59:00.002+08:00

So fucking sexy. Marina Vello/Ribatski/Gasolina belongs to them special breed of women whom through virtue of awesome, I admire and love greatly.

****************************************

Carbonated white wine makes everything better. Honestly, it does. And I'm not even talking about drinking copious amounts in an effort to attain shit-faced drunk-ness. Just a little bit goes a long way.

****************************************

Hello, beautiful. People might say you look weird but I think you look absolutely beautiful. If you keep that up, I think I'm going to fall in love. And it's okay if you don't reciprocate. Most of the the things and people whom I do, don't either. Just please don't be offended if I praise you.

Gem of a find

2011-02-10T20:31:00.003+08:00

This is such an incredible gem of a find that it sucks that I didn't discover it earlier. Finding this has put me in such good spirits like you would not believe.

Hopefully this marks a new streak in discovering good music. Ah, one can only hope. Good music puts me in such fantastic moods.

You Should Date An Illiterate Girl

2011-02-08T20:04:00.001+08:00

Jan. 19, 2011

By Charles Warnke

Charles Warnke is a 21 year-old writer based out of Berkeley, California.

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.

Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. I hate you. I really, really, really hate you.

Lunar New Year

2011-02-08T00:14:00.002+08:00

My life goals, re-aligned following interactions with other people during Lunar New Year.

Primary:

Get married
Have kids
Die

Secondary:

Ensure parents live long enough to see their grand kids
Make enough money to support family
Raise kids well enough so that they are not disgusting wastes of oxygen
Embrace death with wife

As you can probably tell, I'm a pretty uncomplicated person.

Things we said today.

2011-02-05T00:04:00.002+08:00

Perhaps it is good that I am such a hard person to get along with. I am extremely critical and selective with the people whom I allow myself to associate with, and it shows. I have very, very few friends.

I can number my good friends with one hand and casual ones, perhaps with two pairs.

Thankfully, it is pleasing that the people whom I do call friends are of extremely high calibre. I mean, it is amazing when after resisting all attempts to communicate for nearly a year, we manage to get along as if no time has passed since our last encounter.

Het is super fantastisch! Do you know of people who after managing to be complete strangers for more than a year, agree immediately for an impromptu late night movie to catch up and shoot shit.

And yes, while I happen to be such an amazing ass to all my friends-disappearing and remaining uncontactable for weeks and months, nearly all of the work just as hard to ensure that we never fall out of contact.

It's crazy and wonderful at the same time, because it is foolish to put in so much effort with people who do not reciprocate. At the same time, knowing there are such people out there, fills me with such feelings of mushy warmth and fuzziness and fills me with the teeniest bit of hope for the human race.

It is a special kind of love that is reserved for these people, who are an oasis in such a terrible, terrible wasteland of dip shits, that ensures my sanity and relegates this horribly, miserable place of ones and zeros to a more minor part of my life.

Thankfully, the reality is much better than the fantasy, which is a lot better than many. And that, is awesome!

Haiku: Ribena

2011-02-03T23:14:00.003+08:00

Syrup, as I pour,

thoughts of you overwhelming,

but then again, no.

It would have been just as shitty as this haiku.

Touching is extra.

2011-02-02T17:37:00.002+08:00

And I forgot that if you put my name into google and click or hit enter and close your eyes for a fraction of a second to allow google to work it's magic, you spot this in the top few results.

It is strange that just as I had assumed that this had faded into relative obscurity, save you happy few strangers who have persevered with this nonsense for years, the worst kind of renewed interest was revived in this place.

And it is a painful reminder that even though I do not publicise this publication any more and had assumed it to be quasi-private, it simply takes a curious mind to destroy this happy place of quiet.

However, I still refuse to password protect this. Things that I really, really don't want people to know about shouldn't be posted online anyway. There's ink on paper for that. Besides, I am far too vain and have grown far too attached to this place of ones and zeros to allow for the disappointment of the loyal happy few who still religiously voyeur this place.

As with everything else, this too shall pass. And at the end of it all, when all that's left is dust and memories, at least there's is this little public-private corner where honesty is in abundance and unashamed.

Move along now, I'm juz minding my own bizness, doing my own thang.

Hana Hou

2011-02-01T23:51:00.002+08:00

Something's afoot. This blog is gaining far too much attention for far too inferior and inconsistent content.

There will be an answer to this. Cookies will lead the way!

Aloha.

2011-01-31T23:02:00.000+08:00

Somebody's been looking through my archives. Identify yourself! You're going to start me obsessing again, mysterious stranger.

Regret.

2011-01-30T23:22:00.002+08:00

My greatest personal failing would have to be my complete impotence around people whom I'm attracted to.

I have yet to successfully woo another individual whom I have had a very strong attraction for. It is miserable.

And although it might sound like I'm boasting, I attract all the wrong kinds of people. Because mostly, when people are attracted to me, I automatically have a poorer impression of them. I think I feel the need to justify personal relationships, before I fully embrace them.

It's just the way it is.

I wish I knew how to actively attract/woo people. It is a skill that I'm sorely lacking.

Because.

2011-01-17T00:14:00.002+08:00

Because my self-worth is tied so strongly to external factors-chief among them, people. It is good to know that there are parts of my self that make my whole desirable. It is a good feeling and it makes this miserable, passionless existence worthwhile.

Well, bearable at the very least.

She don't use jelly.

2011-01-12T23:14:00.004+08:00

I Am The Dot - Formaldehyde (Official) from Stephanie Cafarella on Vimeo.
And she has a perfect set of teeth. Which is beautiful and rare, and oh so fantastic. I wish I had more things like that in my life.

But, then again, if they were less rare, the experience would be less profound and not so special anymore.

I am thankful that I still derive joy from such, things.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It has been such a long time since I've posted music and it is because I haven't had any new music to post. The video could've been better, but the song is oh, so lovely.

Mojo.

2011-01-08T21:45:00.002+08:00

Hello, I think I'm in love with Elizabeth Cochrane. Which is a bit creepy, but oh boy! What a woman. I would be so fortunate if I ever had the privilege of befriending half her modern day equivalent.

Oh boy, oh boy!

It's been such a long time since I had such a boy-crush.

I am an office monkey.

2011-01-07T23:29:00.003+08:00

So far, I think I've been balancing work, school and work pretty well. It is good to be kept busy. Staying busy has allowed me to form a sort of easy peace with myself.

I only wish I spent more time at the restaurant/bar then as a student and office monkey. I get very fidgety when I have to stay seated for copious amounts of time; I'd much rather be out and about interacting with people.

Misery is..

2010-12-31T00:42:00.003+08:00

littering typographical and grammatical errors all over my writing when I should know better.

I should know better. It annoys the hell out of me enough, when I spot other people doing it. I need to be able to spellcheck better.

How to be happy.

2010-12-27T21:36:00.000+08:00

I think I forgot. I wish I were a happier person.

Ack!

2010-12-26T06:16:00.002+08:00

I may still remain a virgin for a long, long, time and all of my own doing. It has recently been brought to my attention that I have actually had the interest of several young lasses, of which I was not aware of- or even if I was, I misunderstood the severity of said interest.

I need to learn how to read people better. I am always oblivious when it comes to people and their moods and emotions.

Which is terrible.

2010-12-24T14:55:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a good day, until it wasn't.

Sadly enough, the bad things always spill over all the other days whereas the good days are usually fleeting moments.

It has been years and I'm still struggling to find that little bit of magic that will sustain me through the rest of my life.

All alone.

2010-12-24T00:41:00.002+08:00

I guess as I grow older, the more I feel compromised as an individual. I compromise more of my self in the hope that it will serve as a lubricant for social interactions and as I continue this behaviour, I find that it becomes much easier and much more comfortable to isolate myself from when there are groups of people around.

It gets easier, as the number of people whom I do not particularly care for increases.

It is depressing, because I would prefer to be alone with people whom I care for. These people are welcome in my personal space, but things get dicey when there are other people about; I do not like to mix the two.

It is so damn hard to work up and sustain a genuine interest in people. They are all weird and slightly difficult to understand. I would like more people in my personal space. But,

I keep thinking about getting hit by a car. Or falling off a building. It would be nice to be able to feel so strongly, and have that as your last memory.

Issues, man. I wish I could talk about them to somebody. But,

Comfortably numb.

2010-12-14T20:06:00.002+08:00

Today is a shitty day. The extent of which could have been explained by the crumpled shirt, unkempt hair, and the haze that fogged my mind the entire day.

It is also a good day to die.

It has been quite some time since I have been so effortlessly at peace and what better time to die when you're at peace with the world.

Today has been a shitty day. It was also a good one. I wish all the rest of my days were like this.

Like steel.

2010-12-13T00:43:00.002+08:00

No, this is private space! You cannot come in because there is no love between us! GO AWAY!

I hate it when people try and force the development of relationships. These things should happen naturally. If you have to even try, it probably means I don't like you enough to care anyway.

Not a metaphor in that sense, but quite.

2010-12-07T01:33:00.003+08:00

As soon as I bit into the spring roll, my heart sank.

It was, the most miserable and disheartening experience that I've had with food, as far as I can remember.

That really happened, I'm not writing it down as a metaphor. However, as far as metaphor for larger occurrences in my life go, it is a pertinent one.

I've eaten worse food before; I didn't really want the spring roll but I got it, nevertheless. I could have chosen to not get the spring roll, but I did and had expectations for it because I was so hungry and I wanted it to be good.

Why did it taste so bad? Why was I so affected by the spring roll? How hard is it to not fuck up a spring roll? Wouldn't it have been mutually beneficial for the business to get put out a decent product?

I don't know.

And that's the worst thing, because I want the business to put out good spring rolls because I still have around a year left in the school and I want to be able to purchase hot food from the business.

No, the worst thing would be why I have gotten so emotionally invested in a fucking spring roll. There have been worse experiences with food that I've gotten over, much quicker.

I don't know.

I would like to understand. I would love to be able to understand and effect positive change because at this point of time I've become so fucking emotionally invested in that spring roll and the business that I need to be able to effect positive change in the business and their spring rolls.

Now, I have all this energy with no place to channel it, because obviously the business couldn't care about what I have to say about their spring rolls. So, I am kept awake at this hour when I have work in seven hours because I have all this energy that I is driving me crazy and preventing my sleep.

This is why I don't care about much things. I hate it when I don't understand. It is a tremendous blow when I cannot fix, influence or lose them. It drives me nuts like you will not believe and it is irrational and crazy.

And because there is reality in a few hours, I cannot get to a quiet place and I will not share this because I do not believe in sharing misery when there is the option of joy, and I cannot sleep so this will be driving me crazy for a while.

Until I get back to that quiet place and manage to quieten my mind and put myself above all this. Drama.

After having said so much, that incident with the spring roll really did happen. I really was upset by a miserable spring roll. However, it is such a farce that the incident with the spring roll is such an apt metaphor for events that are still unfolding. Someone upstairs is having a good laugh at my expense.

Fucking spring rolls. Why?!

And it feels like it couldn't get any worse, but it could.

2010-12-04T19:00:00.003+08:00

This is why I have an inherent dislike and mistrust of people.

There is a growing sense from within - and it has been growing for years - that I am growing more emotional detached from people and that perhaps I need to go to an isolated, far flung corner of the world and seek spiritual enlightenment and be at peace with the world and become celibate and be able to let go of worldly desires.

However, accomplishing that would go against the very things that I believe I need to accomplish in this world.

And, I wish I could have phrased this more elegantly but I can't. I also wish I had the answers I need, or didn't require any at all. Although as it stands, this doesn't mean anything because even though I have been working to keep such affairs from occurring, shit still manages to happen which perplexes and aggrieves me all the more.

Also because I have worked so hard to protect myself, I don't feel quite as miserable as I should be. So what is left is this gnawing feeling, annoying and slowly eating up my insides. I need to be more miserable so as to indulge in it, but I am left with a lot of pent up aggression which cannot be directed anywhere in particular.

This is quite a self centred post. But, it feels good to be indulgent, however little it may be.

And man, I feel so impotent and that's the worst.

Hello again, world.

2010-11-26T18:24:00.003+08:00

Things are finally moving again in life. I finally feel like I'm learning new things and applying myself again. Which is good, because it keeps me busy and I begin to believe that I'm not such a blight on the universe as I'm contributing to society-and by extension this world, instead of wasting oxygen and natural resources.

There are also things that I had once hoped for which don't seem so positive now.

I think that there is so much suppressed craziness in here that will only affect people who get close, and that is very disheartening. No matter how much I resolve to be better, there are still some things that lie at the very core that may never change. I really wish I could be better, and I must not stop resolving to improve.

However,

P.S. I am a journalist now! Yay! (?)

Because,

2010-11-08T23:45:00.002+08:00

I've been so devoid of any form of responsibility that I am extremely afraid of discovering that I have actually no more ability left. This both terrifies and excites me greatly.

Change is good. But also terribly unsettling and frightening.

Hello sunshine.

2010-11-04T01:06:00.002+08:00

It feels good to be able to feel like you're doing something well. It's been such a long time since I felt good about my abilities. It's been such a damned long time since I felt like I was good at anything and remembering that feeling is great.

This crazy, crazy week is about to end and after today, it can only get better.

Hello, rockband and the crazy, crazy people from army-the only people whom have seen me really lose it and go nuts due to insanity and/or rage. Hello potential new job which I wasn't really looking for but now really, really, really want since the opportunity has presented itself and is great and would be fantastic because then I have a guaranteed minimum income per month. Please be mine, job. It would be a fantastic birthday present, because I don't/haven't really been asking/expecting any. It would be great and I've been a good boy so please be mine.

The Car.

2010-11-03T12:19:00.002+08:00

I like driving in the car. When I'm in the car it is just me and the music. No people or distractions. None of them grabby feely people who always want something. It is good to be alone, with music too loud to be socially acceptable in most places and driving way over the speed limit.

And if I were to crash and burn, that would be such a wonderfully romantic thought.

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

2010-11-02T15:07:00.003+08:00

Spelling errors are the bane of existence. I swear, they annoy me to no end. I swear. One of these days, I'll end up killing people over poor fucking use of language and I will not feel guilty about it.

2010-10-20T10:58:00.003+08:00

I think I may be depressed. Not-shit this is such a fucking bummer I think I'm depressed, depressed but like clinically depressed.

It's also not something that I will seek attention for because it's just such a fucking waste of money when I could solving other more pertinent issues. Thus, the horribly vicious cycle self perpetuates.

If Only.

2010-10-14T16:44:00.002+08:00

I wish I had better, more meaningful relationships with more people. It's not that I don't try, but one way or another there will be something that comes up that I will not like. I cannot have a meaningful relationship with someone I do not love, because if I share myself with people I do not love what's left of me that's being shared between all these random people is a great big diluted mess, and I shouldn't have to change (much) for people whom I love.

I wish I could like people more easily. But, there are so many unlikeable people at there.

This is why I have very few friends.

What is the point?

2010-10-11T15:15:00.001+08:00

These days, it seems like whenever I am not occupied, I get depressed. There must be some meaning to this. This cannot be it.

Skip to the end.

2010-10-10T21:59:00.000+08:00

I love you so much, but I cannot say. If I do, it would ruin everything and that would be the end.

-

2010-10-07T00:17:00.002+08:00

You know in the movie 'Nowhere Boy' there's this part where John Lennons' mother exclaims 'I love you, you're my dream!' before kissing her son goodbye. That was a fantastic line, really. It is now my goal in life to feel so strongly that I'd be able to deliver that exact same.

Don't like people.

2010-10-03T01:17:00.002+08:00

Because I don't like it when they do things that make you like them and then I start to think that people are not so bad after all and after a while I discover something that I don't really like or impressions are made better in my mind and then reality doesn't align with what goes on in the noggin-which really happens so much that I'm quite confused as to why there is still positivity inside of me- which makes it very, very, very disappointing because I cannot really handle being let down or rejected and I try to live in a such a way that opportunities for things like that to happen are rare and liking someone new is not really something that I'd care to invest myself in.

Which is why, people are icky like slime in a stagnant puddle in the middle of nowhere in the forest.

Also, I am a lot more generous with words in my thought process like that incredibly and unnecessarily long and punctuation deprived sentence however, these days who would know? It is better to be a miser because sometimes too much information can be offensive, confusing or unnecessary and leaves too much room to draw the ire out of people so it is still better to be miserable and miserly with words because it is better to hold it all in until you explode, than to risk having to deal with people and their messy, messy emotions which I sometimes do not understand or care for.

Awesome or what?

2010-09-28T13:28:00.001+08:00

Duck Sauce "Barbra Streisand" from Mr Goldbar on Vimeo.

Fingers crossed!

See The Leaves.

2010-09-27T18:33:00.001+08:00

The Flaming Lips- See The Leaves.

Can I just say that this is fucking awesome?

Not Real.

2010-09-22T12:31:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary,

I had a fantastic dream last night. It was wonderful and realistic and far from fantastic. Then, I woke up and I realised that I still existed in this miserable reality. Now, I only remember vague details about the dream, which was so vivid a reality, the likes of which I may never relive. Perhaps, this is all part of growing up and also why there are so many people out there who turn to drugs.

Fucking beasts.

2010-09-19T19:47:00.002+08:00

There is no better way to clear your head then to get mauled by dogs. Seriously, after escaping further damage from the rabid beasts I had a surprisingly clear head even though I was feeling pretty shite less than a minute ago.

Now, I just hope that those fucking animals didn't infect me rabies. That would be more annoying than anything else and morbidly funny. Hurhur.

2010-09-18T00:51:00.002+08:00

Some days, you just feel like imploding and dying.

That's not exactly normal is it?It's so miserable that I am free to do what I please yet lack any real power when I need to effect change that is of any significance.

Ya RLY.

2010-09-11T01:53:00.002+08:00

If I have kids, I will be sure to send them for music lessons-not guitar though, most kids who learn the guitar grow up and end up with an over-inflated sense of ability which is to strum of few chords over and over again and be annoying. When my kids grow up, they'll thank me for equipping them with the ability to at least move in time to the music when in a club. This way, they won't be one of those annoying people who have no business in a club taking up space on the dance floor doing nothing, or flailing their limbs over enthusiastically in attempt to make up for an absolute lack of ability in following the DJ's set.

It's annoying and a lot less cool than you think. In fact it's ugly.

Get off it, and stop wasting space.

Physical Bias.

2010-09-01T23:41:00.001+08:00

I think those Caucasians start out with a base template of a 5(out of 10) whereas Asians start off only from a 3.

Unfortunately, I think I just might believe myself.

Hypothetical.

2010-08-30T21:28:00.003+08:00

If only life-specifically mine, could be so simple and beautiful. If only there were such things that could continually stir such emotions, from within the self.

Cringe Worthy.

2010-08-27T18:47:00.002+08:00

Is it just me, or are couples who are unabashedly overt about their affection online, nauseating. It's not just bad enough that thanks to facebook, social interaction between friends are now frequent bursts of narcissism limited to a 150 characters-which although counter intuitive, makes the it easier to senselessly go on and on about every and any event that no one particularly cares about.

Honestly, I don't understand the need to publicise being affectionate. Which is why I masturbate alone, in private. Also, the woman who I keep locked up in my cupboard. I mean, I wouldn't be able to focus all my attention on being obsessive and tender and loving if the whole world knew about these things, especially the masturbation.

Well, this has already taken a weirder turn than I originally intended. Whoops.

Success!

2010-08-27T16:23:00.002+08:00

Hehehehe.

2010-08-25T21:52:00.002+08:00

Handwritten addresses, notes, Super Mario stickers and happy, happy, songs. Would have posted pictures if only flickr allowed me to!

I think I should do something about overusing the comma.

Disconnect from reality.

2010-08-24T23:05:00.002+08:00

Thankfully, I am nowhere near this depressing in real life. I use deprecating humour as a shield instead and secretly hope that one day some one will pick up on these horribly unsubtle hints. Which is morbid, really. But, you won't catch me telling this in person!

Ha ha.

Temporary Measure.

2010-08-24T03:30:00.002+08:00

Mark Ronson & The Business INTL "Bang Bang Bang" from Warren Fu on Vimeo.

I cannot sleep. I have spent the past 3 hours in bed attempting to fall asleep, instead I find myself obsessing over a million different things. I hope an outlet for these energies present themselves soon.

Things That Go Bump In The Night.

2010-08-23T00:35:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I cannot sleep at night, because I am hounded by thoughts of the future. I wonder, if I will always remain this poor, miserable, love-less person and grow old all alone. It gets worse when I reminisce about wasted opportunities and lost potential. It is times like these when I am not getting enough sleep, because a healthy dose of unfettered imagination is the perfect remedy.

I think I need to go get some more sleep.

Bittersuite

2010-08-20T17:05:00.000+08:00

Can You See Me Now?

2010-08-09T06:44:00.003+08:00

Start writing down things, in a book. Again. Because there's nothing better than ink on paper. There's also nothing more romantic.
Read books again. See above

Damn this cursed body!

2010-08-06T23:38:00.003+08:00

It is ironic that serving the army has caused me to be in both the best and worst physical condition ever. I am now significantly stronger and in marginally better cardiovascular shape thanks to my service. However, this is also going to be the second time (in my service term, and life) that I am going to have to be under the regular care of a specialist. This time around instead of cracked bones there are even scarier terms floating around like MRI(!) and surgery!(x2) Which I hate, because nothing fills me with more dread than the horribly lifeless forum of all that is wrong with the human condition. I hate that this body is built so shoddily, that it is harmed by the littlest of things. I need to be able to claim compensation for this injury. It isn't right that I should have to endure physical abuse and not claim care for it.

Also, I find it very hard to work up genuine concern for things and people. It is something that I will have to work very hard on lest I condemn myself to an empty, selfish life.

Death in the Family.

2010-07-24T23:05:00.002+08:00

You know, funeral marching bands are funny little sad things. From the soloists from multiple disciplines-not quite together as a band, to the pristine elaborate (almost always white) uniforms to the sad little song they play to herald the passing of a loved one.

There's something quite mesmerizing about them.

Magic.

2010-07-24T00:01:00.002+08:00

St Vincent performs for WBEZ Music at Pitchfork Music Festival 2010 from WBEZ on Vimeo.

There's none of that guitar strumming nonsense that passes off as ability with a guitar these days. Just fantastically wondrous music. I would make an exception to being a selfish individual for her. Yes, it's true. I'm in love.

All The Pretty Things.

2010-07-18T19:52:00.002+08:00

I miss the life I had before I became a serviceman. I am now like a man in a cave and I am afraid that once my service expires I will be too afraid and timid to embrace the (figurative) sunshine, rainbows and flowers outside of the cave. Which is pathetic because there are so many pretty things out there which a part of me remembers and aches terribly for.

There are such things.

2010-07-04T16:46:00.002+08:00

And it has been a long while since I have been inspired. So it is good to find out that there are still such things as passion and joy outside of this dreary place. Oh, and beauty. It exists! There are beautiful things that are within my grasp. The world at large seems a little more colourful now, although it still scares the hell out of me.

Hello world. Let us reacquaint each other.

The Walrus Said Hello.

2010-06-27T21:12:00.002+08:00

It is so much more comfortable to hideaway in a quiet corner, and just allow whatever to take a firm hold and envelop the self. I would love for something to come and take over my self and just shock me into being. Am I even making sense? I think this is a weird sort of overdue emo phase. Which, might explain why I keep repeating Wheatus on iTunes.

I'm just a dirrrtbaaaag babyyyy.

Oh no. Oh no. Ohnoohnohnohnohno!

2010-06-03T15:24:00.002+08:00

Hey-oh!

2010-06-02T23:07:00.002+08:00

It's so annoying. I think the antidote could be someone I would sit back and shake our collective angry fists at the world with, but the idea of locating such a person would mean more time vested in face time with different parties. I am extremely averse to the idea of having to spend more time (then is necessary) with people whose company I might not be able to appreciate. It really is quite detrimental to either parties.

Ugh. Hopefully good news after my trip to the land of no smiles. Or perhaps, I decide to abandon all sense of responsibility and the next you hear from is from the newspapers. Viva revolution!

Oh no. Calamity!

2010-05-31T02:03:00.002+08:00

Oh hi! What, you mean I didn't reply to your numerous messages? Oh no! I hope your feelings are affected. It certainly wasn't my intention. You know, I do this for pretty much everyone else so it's not something specific that I have against you. It's just one of those things. Iffy, like WHERE THE HELL DO ALL THESE ANTS COME FROM!?

Have Mana Potion? (finale)

2010-05-29T22:17:00.002+08:00

DO NOT HAVE!

Mana Top Up Please.

2010-05-28T23:20:00.002+08:00

Have mana potion?

Exile.

2010-05-23T20:43:00.002+08:00

And as I begin considering ending this exile of sorts, I need to come to terms with the fact that it has been in no way beneficial to my self. I am now more selfish, anti social, ill tempered and awkward around strangers. Oh boy. I have a lot of catching up to do. I have to figure out how to stop this thing from continuing to affect my brain. Perhaps I need a breath of fresh air, and possible something that brings joy back into my life.

A passion, perhaps. Something that will positively char the cockles of my heart.

Advertorial.

2010-05-15T23:59:00.002+08:00

Boy, 20 seeks an intimate relationship; physicality is a plus- but only applicable to the fairer sex. Both sexes may apply. Needs to be able to commit/sacrifice copious amounts of personal time/space. Intelligence is a must if not, must possess (in large amounts), passion or self awareness. Must be open minded. Relationship needs to be co dependent. Must enjoy long periods of doing nothing in particular. Ability to appreciate (any) art form particularly music, theatre, movies or literature is extremely advantageous. Older women are encouraged to apply.

2010-05-09T12:47:00.000+08:00

Let's all go completely batshit and have a very public break down... Together!