Misery is..

littering typographical and grammatical errors all over my writing when I should know better.


I should know better. It annoys the hell out of me enough, when I spot other people doing it. I need to be able to spellcheck better.

How to be happy.

I think I forgot. I wish I were a happier person.

Ack!

I may still remain a virgin for a long, long, time and all of my own doing. It has recently been brought to my attention that I have actually had the interest of several young lasses, of which I was not aware of- or even if I was, I misunderstood the severity of said interest.

I need to learn how to read people better. I am always oblivious when it comes to people and their moods and emotions.

Which is terrible.

Yesterday was a good day, until it wasn't.

Sadly enough, the bad things always spill over all the other days whereas the good days are usually fleeting moments.

It has been years and I'm still struggling to find that little bit of magic that will sustain me through the rest of my life.

All alone.

I guess as I grow older, the more I feel compromised as an individual. I compromise more of my self in the hope that it will serve as a lubricant for social interactions and as I continue this behaviour, I find that it becomes much easier and much more comfortable to isolate myself from when there are groups of people around.

It gets easier, as the number of people whom I do not particularly care for increases.

It is depressing, because I would prefer to be alone with people whom I care for. These people are welcome in my personal space, but things get dicey when there are other people about; I do not like to mix the two.

It is so damn hard to work up and sustain a genuine interest in people. They are all weird and slightly difficult to understand. I would like more people in my personal space. But,



I keep thinking about getting hit by a car. Or falling off a building. It would be nice to be able to feel so strongly, and have that as your last memory.

Issues, man. I wish I could talk about them to somebody. But,

Comfortably numb.

Today is a shitty day. The extent of which could have been explained by the crumpled shirt, unkempt hair, and the haze that fogged my mind the entire day.

It is also a good day to die.

It has been quite some time since I have been so effortlessly at peace and what better time to die when you're at peace with the world.

Today has been a shitty day. It was also a good one. I wish all the rest of my days were like this.

Like steel.

No, this is private space! You cannot come in because there is no love between us! GO AWAY!

I hate it when people try and force the development of relationships. These things should happen naturally. If you have to even try, it probably means I don't like you enough to care anyway.

Not a metaphor in that sense, but quite.

As soon as I bit into the spring roll, my heart sank.

It was, the most miserable and disheartening experience that I've had with food, as far as I can remember.

That really happened, I'm not writing it down as a metaphor. However, as far as metaphor for larger occurrences in my life go, it is a pertinent one.

I've eaten worse food before; I didn't really want the spring roll but I got it, nevertheless. I could have chosen to not get the spring roll, but I did and had expectations for it because I was so hungry and I wanted it to be good.

Why did it taste so bad? Why was I so affected by the spring roll? How hard is it to not fuck up a spring roll? Wouldn't it have been mutually beneficial for the business to get put out a decent product?

I don't know.

And that's the worst thing, because I want the business to put out good spring rolls because I still have around a year left in the school and I want to be able to purchase hot food from the business.

No, the worst thing would be why I have gotten so emotionally invested in a fucking spring roll. There have been worse experiences with food that I've gotten over, much quicker.

I don't know.

I would like to understand. I would love to be able to understand and effect positive change because at this point of time I've become so fucking emotionally invested in that spring roll and the business that I need to be able to effect positive change in the business and their spring rolls.

Now, I have all this energy with no place to channel it, because obviously the business couldn't care about what I have to say about their spring rolls. So, I am kept awake at this hour when I have work in seven hours because I have all this energy that I is driving me crazy and preventing my sleep.

This is why I don't care about much things. I hate it when I don't understand. It is a tremendous blow when I cannot fix, influence or lose them. It drives me nuts like you will not believe and it is irrational and crazy.


And because there is reality in a few hours, I cannot get to a quiet place and I will not share this because I do not believe in sharing misery when there is the option of joy, and I cannot sleep so this will be driving me crazy for a while.

Until I get back to that quiet place and manage to quieten my mind and put myself above all this. Drama.


After having said so much, that incident with the spring roll really did happen. I really was upset by a miserable spring roll. However, it is such a farce that the incident with the spring roll is such an apt metaphor for events that are still unfolding. Someone upstairs is having a good laugh at my expense.



Fucking spring rolls. Why?!

And it feels like it couldn't get any worse, but it could.

This is why I have an inherent dislike and mistrust of people.

There is a growing sense from within - and it has been growing for years - that I am growing more emotional detached from people and that perhaps I need to go to an isolated, far flung corner of the world and seek spiritual enlightenment and be at peace with the world and become celibate and be able to let go of worldly desires.

However, accomplishing that would go against the very things that I believe I need to accomplish in this world.

And, I wish I could have phrased this more elegantly but I can't. I also wish I had the answers I need, or didn't require any at all. Although as it stands, this doesn't mean anything because even though I have been working to keep such affairs from occurring, shit still manages to happen which perplexes and aggrieves me all the more.

Also because I have worked so hard to protect myself, I don't feel quite as miserable as I should be. So what is left is this gnawing feeling, annoying and slowly eating up my insides. I need to be more miserable so as to indulge in it, but I am left with a lot of pent up aggression which cannot be directed anywhere in particular.

This is quite a self centred post. But, it feels good to be indulgent, however little it may be.

And man, I feel so impotent and that's the worst.