I think I may be depressed. Not-shit this is such a fucking bummer I think I'm depressed, depressed but like clinically depressed.

It's also not something that I will seek attention for because it's just such a fucking waste of money when I could solving other more pertinent issues. Thus, the horribly vicious cycle self perpetuates.

If Only.

I wish I had better, more meaningful relationships with more people. It's not that I don't try, but one way or another there will be something that comes up that I will not like. I cannot have a meaningful relationship with someone I do not love, because if I share myself with people I do not love what's left of me that's being shared between all these random people is a great big diluted mess, and I shouldn't have to change (much) for people whom I love.

I wish I could like people more easily. But, there are so many unlikeable people at there.

This is why I have very few friends.

What is the point?

These days, it seems like whenever I am not occupied, I get depressed. There must be some meaning to this. This cannot be it.

Skip to the end.

I love you so much, but I cannot say. If I do, it would ruin everything and that would be the end.

-

You know in the movie 'Nowhere Boy' there's this part where John Lennons' mother exclaims 'I love you, you're my dream!' before kissing her son goodbye. That was a fantastic line, really. It is now my goal in life to feel so strongly that I'd be able to deliver that exact same.

Don't like people.

Because I don't like it when they do things that make you like them and then I start to think that people are not so bad after all and after a while I discover something that I don't really like or impressions are made better in my mind and then reality doesn't align with what goes on in the noggin-which really happens so much that I'm quite confused as to why there is still positivity inside of me- which makes it very, very, very disappointing because I cannot really handle being let down or rejected and I try to live in a such a way that opportunities for things like that to happen are rare and liking someone new is not really something that I'd care to invest myself in.

Which is why, people are icky like slime in a stagnant puddle in the middle of nowhere in the forest.

Also, I am a lot more generous with words in my thought process like that incredibly and unnecessarily long and punctuation deprived sentence however, these days who would know? It is better to be a miser because sometimes too much information can be offensive, confusing or unnecessary and leaves too much room to draw the ire out of people so it is still better to be miserable and miserly with words because it is better to hold it all in until you explode, than to risk having to deal with people and their messy, messy emotions which I sometimes do not understand or care for.