Talking to friends is depressing. Watching people moving ahead with their lives, pursuing greater things then attempting to get fit enough to complete and obstacle course to qualify for promotion has an extremely negative effect on morale. Goodness knows, I don't actually give a shit about the benefits of being physically fit. Being physically fit would simply by a means to an end.

Thinking like that is stupid. What's even worse is that I'm so incredibly sheltered from the world and everything that it has to offer by national service that the only issues that I really have to fret over concerns motivating myself to put in more time running to gain a lousy promotion worth twenty five dollars.

Oh, and I think my mother is getting incredibly worried about how I've been single for far too long. I mean she gets so fucking excited about the remotest possibility that I'm going out with a girl that it's gotten embarrassed about letting her know that I'm going out with a girl for fear that she might rupture an artery working herself up over the possibility of her son's marriage followed by procreation leading up to her being able to have grand children. Which is ridiculous, of course. The people I'm fascinated with will probably never love me, and the people whom I love I will never get into a relationship with because I'll be too much to bear in a relationship.


And all this speculative rubbish is probably borne from an idle mind spent buried in other people's fantasies for far too long.


One year, five months and eleven days more.

Shooting Star.

I miss traipsing in the middle of the night discovering the different facets of the estate. I miss long contemplative talks with people whom I have loads of love for but was too shy to explicitly express said love.

And I can't believe I haven't felt mutual adoration for such a long time.

Yes, highlight of my time in the army.

the sea!

Was a great distraction from the usual mind rotting chores of being a soldier. Sitting down with the wind whipping against you, quiet and driving your head into a tizzy because of how quiet and alone and peaceful staring out to sea is.


I wanted to die.

It would've been good dying in the state of mind induced by the sea breeze. I think I understand better now, the rationale with people running off to far off lands to be alone. Just not having anything to think about, allows you to think better and put things into better perspective.


And I think that I don't like the kind of person I'm becoming. There are things that I've been doing and mannerisms that I've been changing and I'm not the person I was 2 or even 3 years ago. That, among other things is truly heartbreaking and if only I could conceive a cure!


That, would be sweet and joyous and all things wonderful.

Akan Datang: POP Loh! (again)

I think I have anger issues, which I manage to keep very well in check. The problem with that though, is that when the day comes and I finally express that anger I may cause more harm than I could possibly think up of.

Hugs!

And I'm giving away so many hugs that it's wrong. It's like I'm secretly hoping that the sheer volume of hugs that I give away to the guys in camp will compensate for the fact that I haven't been hugging any females for the past two years-mothers not included. That is really sad, and it makes me feel sad when I think of how I probably will not be able to exchange real hugs for the next one and a half years, unless happy chance decides to intervene and plonks an opportunity to discover a member of the opposite sex really really well. Then, we could maybe exchange hugs and things could be right and fuzzy-like on our insides.

But, unless happy chance decides to visit, exchanging proper hugs to elicit happy feelings will not happen in the next one and a half year. Not when I am spending at least one hundred and twenty hours out of a hundred and sixty eight hours a week with guys.

Oh, and I'm going to keep listening to happy songs because they help make things feel right.

Things are going well. Not that I like how things are, but considering the circumstances they could be much, much worse and that my friend, calls for a funky song as celebration.

Oh yes, it does.